I

Often, I am told that I am "Indifferent".

Well, I say I am a WALLFLOWER. A FREE SPIRITED WALLFLOWER ,OBLIVIOUS TO THE WORLD!

These few words sum me up just perfect. Now you may ask what or rather, who a WALLFLOWER is ?! A WALLFLOWER would be a person who see's things, keeps quiet about them and understands. Though I might seem indifferent,but I do see things and I understand them too, only that I choose thought to not participate in life. I am a woman of few words and I choose them wisely. I find the whole idea of talking quite redundant . Anyone can knit you a shawl of words and even before you can say Jack Robinson. I'd rather be a person who speaks by her gestures than a babbling baboon. I do speak, and the few who have the eye for it, actually know what I am talking about. For them, I am a storyteller and I talk them to sleep each night.

A FREE SPIRIT because I am free. Nothing holds me back. Nothing weighs me down. I revel in my freedom. Mr. Albert Camus very rightly said, "The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion." One can't help but WOW at that quote right?! I AM A FREE SPIRIT! The past has taught me that I can't be caged, can't be tamed. I am made to run wild. I fall, I hurt myself and quite often too. But then I get up, dust myself off and fly again. Sky is where I reside, it's where I belong. I love the vastness it offers.I love how infinite it is. I love the bird's eye view of the world from above, entirely different from the view down here.

OBLIVIOUS! I am OBLIVIOUS to such an extent that if it had a face, trust me, it would be mine!!!! It's much easier to not know things sometimes. My own happy~bubble surrounds me. That explains why a few also refer to me as SURREAL. I am told that life is not how I view it , that they know better . I say, I don't want the answers. I am here to live my life one day at a time. I know things appear different from the inside of a bubble but, let my bubble be! Amidst all the noise , I prefer putting my head under my pillow and let the quiet put things where they are supposed to be. 

I can't be all that they want me to be. I can't be what I am not. But I can be the best of me , that's all I can offer and that's all that I got. In a world that's constantly trying to make me like the rest, I am thriving each day to be myself. No, I am not indifferent. I am a WALLFLOWER.

PENSIEVE!

                                                                     'PENSIEVE' !!!!

Many confuse it with PENSIVE. I have been asked time and time again --> "Why did you name your blog PENSIEVE ? And what the hell is it?! "I dedicate this post to those baffled few. 

To start with, NO! I made absolutely no typing errors. Those who have read Harry Potter must be grinning wide right now. And for those unfortunate few, who were deprived of an oh-so-very-magical childhood just because they chose not to give THAT series a read, well I shall be kind enough to enlighten you up. *Alright now, save the Thank yous for the last. * 

  PENSIEVE , is a beautiful word. 

                     My definition to it would be ~ A vessel for one's thoughts. 

                     And thats's exactly what this blog is to me, ergo PENSIEVE!

Often I am told that I over think , even my pictures tend to capture me in a pensive( NOT PENSIEVE) mood, reflecting some deep though process going on in that airy head of mine.  Denying that would be lying to the point of foolishness. I do think a lot. My mind is always crowded with varied thoughts . I do that out of habit, because I have always known myself that way, that's exactly how I remember me even as a child. It's  neither a curse nor a boon. Though I wish, for a minute or even for a fraction of a second, I could put an end to it and just breathe. 

In the magical world of HARRY POTTER, Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore, used it as an outlet for the many thoughts that crammed into his mind. How I wish I could possess one too! But that would be too much even for wishful thinking so, I created myself one!!!!

This is my PENSIEVE! My vessel for thoughts and memories. A peek-a-boo into my magical world. I am not here to prove a point or to be remembered, I am here to share. The worst part of holding memories is not the pain but the loneliness of it. Memories, need to be shared. I can't go back in time and re live my days but I sure can immortalise them . I can bottle them up in fancy colorful vials and pour them down my very own PENSIEVE , only to watch them take shape and play a movie while I revel in their existence with lustful eyes. 

              "The powerful play goes on ,and you may contribute a verse." 

                                                                          ~N.H. Kleinbaum (Dead Poets Society )

                                                                  

                                  AND I AM HERE TO CONTRIBUTE MINE!

                                 

                  

The things you do to me...

Now the night is here and I am left with my thoughts alone , 

you flash before my eyes , in the way that I have known. 

I sheepishly smile at you while my heart skips a beat, 

it's you I had been waiting for,been longing all day to meet. 

It's our time of the night , and you by me , such a wonderful sight! 

If this was my forever I would want it to be this way , 

with you and I struggling for better ways, for things to say. 

For ,'I love you' possibly cannot sum up, there's so much more to it I swear , 

you send a chill down my spine and you do that without even a glare. 

Things you do to me , if only I could explain, 

you are my sanity and the reason why I am not the same. 

I know I haven't met you but what if I tell you that I have known you like I have known the moon, 

aware of your existence and beauty , knowing that I will reach you soon. 

I have heard you in the quiet of the night , many a time you have whispered in the dim light, 

you have kissed me gently and softly so , have read me close with those eyes of doe, 

we have danced together to many a song both new and old, 

have held each other close enough during those long nights of cold. 

You have held my hand when I stepped back , together we worked over the things we lacked. 

We have had our fights and shed our tears , hand in hand , we overcame all our fears. 

Had laughed so hard till our stomachs ached , had had those burnt cakes we baked. 

Yes , you have been a part of me all this while , every step, every mile. I

have felt your touch in the warmth of the sun , 

have heard you talk when I could hear none. 

I have seen you smile in my reflection each day , 

you came like a cool breeze in the month of may. 

I have lived you each day and will live you forever, if I may. 

For we have been time travellers , both you and I , 

we dwell in each other and that's no lie. 

I know I can't make you stay but I have things to tell , so let me say. 

These few lines don't say much , and I have no other way as such , 

wish I could but let you see , oh the things you do to me , the things you do to me....

Tum

Lambi tanha raaton mein jab yaad ban aate ho tum ,

yun hi karwat badal badal kuch khud mein ro lete hain hum. 

Ba dastoor,khayaalon me, jo dastak de uthte ho tum, 

tumhein khaabon mein tassavur kar , kuch phir se jee lete hain hum. 

Jab din ki roshni mein, kuch dhundhla se jaate ho tum , 

tasveer tumhaari seene se laga, thoda sisak lete hain hum. 

Har kamre se tumhaari khusboo aati hai , 

har lamha mujhe woh chhed jaati hai . 

Un kamron mein baith kabhi, 

dil halka kar lete hain hum. 

Jab ban hansi goonjh uthte ho tum, 

sath tumhaare muskura kar khud mein khush ho lete hain hum.

Is khaalipan mein bhi saath har pal hote ho tum, 

aur isi baat pe thoda khud mein sanwar lete hain hum. 

Har haseen raat tumhaara jaadu jaga jaati hai , 

har unkahi baat mujhe raundhti tadpa jaati hai.

Aaine mein , meri har din ki mulaquaat ho tum , 

mere mausam , mere din raat ho tum. 

Paas ho itna phir bhi kitne door ho tum, 

kal tak toh mere apne the ,aaj jaane kaun ho tum. 

Waqt ne kiya humpe, yeh kaisa haseen sitam, 

saath ho kar bhi jo paas nahin, woh shaqs nikle tum.

Woh

Woh jo har soch mein hai, 

ek dabi si aas sahi, 

ghumshuda kahin hazaaron mein hai ,

aur nazar ke paas nahin...

milti hoon roz usse ,

karti hoon baate saari unkahi, 

phir dhoondhti phirti ho har pal use , 

kuch apna sa hai woh ajnabi....

A Daughter's note to her Hero.

Bejaan is dil ko dhadhkann di aap ne,

Tutlaati is zubaan ko awaaz di aap ne,

Sehmein mere kadmon ko ,

chalna sikhaaya aapne aur jo thak ke haar gaye kadam toh aaghosh mein bhar liya aap ne.

Haanth thaam mera , jeena sikhaaya aapne , 

jab chalak uthein ashq mere, toh poonch unhein hansna bhi sikhaaya aap ne. 

Tiflana si mere khwaahishon ko udaan diya aap ne ,

bhool ghalatiyan saari gehwaare mein choom liya aapne. 

Unsuni is kahaani ko aagaaz diya aapne , 

kal tak toh main kuch na thi , mere aaj ko ek naam diya aapne. 

Zindagi ke zakhm jab hare ban tadpaate the , 

tab raahat ki saans liye aap marham ban aate the. 

Jab raakh ho uthte the umeed ke saare diye, 

tab us raakh mein dabi si aag bane aap sulag kar aate the. 

Khud takleefein jhel saari mere chehre pe kabhi ek shikan na diya, 

bhool apna wajood , meri har chhoti-badi zidd ko aapne hi poora kiya..

yun kehne ko toh tamaan baatein hain par bayan kar sakooun main ,aise kai alfaaz nahin.... 

Mera wajood hai aapse , 

Mera sab kuch hi hai aap se ....

Azal se toh main ek kora kagaz thi ,

aur aaj main jo khud mein ek kitaab hoon ,woh bhi aap se.

Waqt kya kehta hai..

Waqt Ka bhi ajab hisaab hai,
Kabhi Kat ta nahin toh kabhi tham ta nahin,
Par waqt hameshan hi badalta hai, jo aaj hai, is pal hai,

Woh Kal kahan yun rehta hai ...

Waqt toh mano jharnon sa, 
baha ja raha hai yeh kehta hua,

Ki rok lo us lamhe ko, 

jo abhi tumhaara hai,samaet lo us apne ko jo be baank awaara 

hai, daaman se baandh lo use tum, sarak ke yun jaane na do, 

baahon mein kas lo aaj usse, 
yun toot ke bikhar jaane na do, 

saanson mein basa lo is quadar
 ki saans tumhaari toh dhadhkan uski ho, 

kar lo quaid aankhon mein yun ki
 jo khwaab tumhaare, toh nazar uski ho, 

pighal jaao ek doosre mein yun 
ki Koi faaslein na rahein,

fanaa ho jaao ek doosre mein yun 
ki silsilein aur koi baaki na rahein...

Jab tere baare mein sochti hoon..

Tere baare mein jab sochti hoon toh Khud ke aur kareeb aa jaati hoon, 
Tu ghair sahi par apna sa mujhe kuch lagta hai, 

Tu haqueekat sahi par sapna sa mujhe kuch lagta hai,

Tu soch meri, tu armaan mera, 

Tu dhundhla dhundhla sa khwaab mera,

Tu Kal bhi tha aur aaj bhi hai, tu har pal mere saath bhi hai, 

Tu rooh ki tarah mujhmein samaaya hai, tera aks mera hum saaya hai,

Aankhon ki talaash bhi tu,sukooun bhi tu,

Uljhi suljhi har soch bhi tu,aagaaz bhi tu, anjaam bhi tu...

Haanthon mein chalakta jaam sa tu,

Madham madham si shaam sa tu, 

Sehmi si meri zindagi mein, tu udaan meri pehchaan meri, 

Be matlab si is kahaani mein, tu dhoop meri tu chaauvn meri, 

Jab aaine mein Khud ko dekhti hoon, toh Khud ki jagah tujhe paati hoon,

aur mujhmein tujhe dekh, kuch darr seham si jaati hoon, 

Mera toh mujhmein kuch raha hi nahin,

Tu Koi aur hi sahi par Kyun anjaana nahin,Kyun tujhko Khud mein paati hoon, 

Kyun bin tere, main taras si jaati hoon,Tujhe to ilm bhi nahin ki main jab bhi tere baare mein sochti hoon, toh Khud ke aur Kareeb aa jaati hoon...

Kya ho tum..

Tumhaare se Kya ghila karooun, 

shikaayatein karooun bhi toh Kya karooun. 

Khamoshi Ka aalam tumhein raas nahin, 

aas ho meri par ,paas nahin. 

Tum se din hotein hain aur tum se hi raatein, 

aur matlab, be matlab ki, bachkaani har baatein...

hoton ki hansi bhi tum se hi aur aankhon ki nammi bhi tum se hi, 

dil ki har khwahish bhi tum se hi aur zindagi ki har Kami bhi tum se hi..

door sahi par dil ke paas ho tum, 

shayad Isiliye kuch khaas ho tum.

Tanhaan raatoon ki soch ho tum, 

hazaaron ki hujoom mein jo yaad aaye woh shaks ho tum. 

Kaise bayaan karooun ki dil ab tak jo na sun saka tha, 

woh aawaaz ho tum. 

Par har kisi ko kahan muquammal jahan milta hai,

jab par katarne ki jurrat rakhte ho tum, 

toh udaan bharne ki khwaahish, main karooun bhi toh Kaise...

Ek dost aisa bhi tha..

Hazaaron ki bheed mein har insaan tanhaa hai, 

kitne thokar khaaye par dil aaj bhi nadaan hai...

Aaj bhi ghum mera humsaaya hai, 

lo aaj phir dil ro aaya hai, Aaj bhi roshni chubhti hai, 

dil ke kisi kone se ek aah nikalti hai. 

Badi aasaani se woh keh gaye ki hum samajh nahin paaye, 

kis zubaan se bayan karooun ki hum khamosh Kya seh gaye...

Yun toh tanha si thi zindagi par ab zyaada tanha lagegi, 

sab kuch toh hoga bas ek aap ki kami khalegi. 

Hum toh ghum ke aashiq hain, 

humein toh ghum ki latt hai. 

Ek ajab sa sukooun hai is dard mein ek ajab sa nasha hai iski chubhan mein..

Phir bhi ae dost, dua karte hain ki ghum se tera koi naata na ho,

jo ghum ki fiza chale to rukh badal dena meri taraf aur samjh lena ki jaise tum ne mujhe choo liya...

Haal-e-dil.

Ghum-e-tanhaai Ka aalam tumhein bataaun toh bataaun Kaise,
Apni kashmakash se tumhein mukhatib karaaun toh karaaun Kaise, 
Woh kehta hai ki mere seene mein dil nahin hai, 
Use uske aashiyaane Ka pata bataaun toh bataaun Kaise

A night to remember...

Lying down on my bed, trying to get some sleep,

I let my thoughts wander, till they reach to you, rooting deep.

And there you were, amidst  a million different things, 

staring straight into me, with that lopsided grin. 

Ah, that calm on your face and that familiar gaze,

with one look at me, all the pain it erased. 

I couldn't help but smile,

and stood there admiring you, for a while,

You reached out your hand and I held onto it tight, 

it felt like nothing before,like there was nothing I couldn't fight. 

You placed me near and whispered in my ear, 

take me my love, it's for you that I wait here. 

I run my fingers through your hair, drinking you all in, 

up to the very brim, leaving absolutely nothing and for none to share. 

You kissed me gently, my hearts strings you caressed, 

and it felt like you owned me, like it were me you already possessed. 

The world went all quiet and time stood still, 

my heart went all crazy with the gush of blood ,that went for the kill. 

With "Chasing cars" playing on the background, 

you make me lie close to you, 

with our heart's in sync, afraid to even blink, 

we lay there,lost together, not wanting to be found. 

Hand in hand, breathing the same air, 

we stare at the starry sky, growing more in love, growing more in care. 

The stars shine with all their might,

it makes me believe that, tonight, just for us, they are this bright. 

Oh tonight, it's so beautiful, feels so complete ,

just like some story painted fresh and with the right colored streaks..

This night is like every other night but still so anew, 

you being by my side, added an entirely different hue. 

I try looking into your eyes, wanting to know, 

if you could only but see what my eyes have been trying to show. 

You look back at me, with that same smile but there's something more to it, something masked well ,

behind that thick black veil but I could so surely tell... 

it hurts to know,

that even lying this close couldn't make it all go..

If it were up to me, I wouldn't let this night to end, would even befriend the moon , 

asking it to stay put for I had a smile to mend. 

I would have asked the stars to put up a show for you, 

would have danced over a song or two..Things I would have done, 

oh, if only you had a clue! 

But all you do is look at me and smile, 

like you know it all, , like you've walked down that aisle..

darn, the daylights returning and I will have to leave, 

but I will re visit you tonight so darling please, stay put and do not leave. 

Let's just kiss and promise me that you will miss,

 I will come back looking for you my love, for with you, lies my eternal bliss.

Self created prison.

It's past midnight and I am blinded by the sight,

I try to close my eyes,but the memories are just too bright.

I wish I could free my head ,of thoughts that just won't let me sleep..

If I could just let it all go and take one giant leap..

If  mommy could just kiss me goodnight

and whisper to me, darling, it's going to be alright!

If someone could wipe my tears away,

and sing to me how tomorrow would be a better day..

It's very cold tonight and it's lonely out here as well,

and even music can't save me, from the throes of my self created hell..

How lonely can one get???? Even my thoughts aren't mine!!!!

Can't fight the tears yet but, there's a smile saying I am doing fine.

Now I know silence can be so deafening ,

and how hollow it makes you inside when you alone are the one listening.

Now I know how nothing lasts forever,

people do change, even  when they promised they won't ever...

How inevitable a change is and the fear it brings,

and merely by words I can't explain, how deeply it stings.

How feelings go away, how memories fade away,

and how the people once part of you, leave and let you decay.

How something inside of you just almost died,

when your share of air,you were denied,

how big a void it left in you 

and how the world once bright , now turned so blue..

The night is coming to an end and it will be morning in a while,

I'd rather wipe my tears away for it's almost time to wear a smile.

I will be greeting the day like any other day, 

would even sing out loud like nothing can get in my way,

But when the day  will be done, and I will be all alone ,

my thoughts would still lead me to you and my heart would still moan..